and so, a quadrennial.

As of today, I've officially been here for four years.

And so I thought to tell the story of how I ended up here. It's a story many of you may have heard, or even have been a part of, but it's an interesting story, nonetheless, I think. Shows you my haphazard nature, my adaptability (?), and my neuroses.

It was 1997. I had just graduated. I was coming off the end of a very messy breakup. We had split up the CDs (I lost Frampton Comes Alive and Blues Traveler, but I got the rack...), he'd moved out (and on), and I was a mess. I was hardly eating. I would sleep in 2 hour fits and then get up and go running. I had an overwhelming sense of physical elongation -- my limbs felt stretched and my extremities distant. Whenever I sneezed I felt certain I would vomit. I was living out the end of a lease in an apartment I had grown to despise, not working, with no job prospects to speak of... I wasn't writing; I was hardly thinking. I spent my days wandering the city. I occasionally bummed cigarettes off of strange men.

At the end of June my lease expired and I moved upstate to my parents' house. I put all of my belongings in storage so I wouldn't get too comfortable. I had a vague plan to move to Troy or Albany and share an apartment with Joe when he returned to RPI in the fall. I was going to work at the Dinosaurs Alive! exhibit at the state museum. It was a six month exhibition that I figured was perfect for me, because I knew it would end and I would have to make a decision about where to go next.

I stayed with my parents for all of 4 weeks, during which time I was probably home about 8 days. I was back in the city almost every weekend. The time I was home was spent updating my CV, trying to make myself sound like less Engineer, more inspired-math-whiz-mad-scientist. Surely there was someone looking for what I had...and who knows, maybe if I had stuck around to finish that search, I would be in a very different place today.

Instead, I got a call from the placement office at college saying there was a company looking for a Mechanical Engineer. They had seen my CV and my transcript, and were still interested... imagine that. The company called later that day and I was intrigued. This was a company doing good things, saving lives... with economic growth and a fascinating little product. New Jersey, though... I cycled through the reasons to reject the idea -- bad location, a job I'd convinced myself I didn't want, bad location, bad location. But I visited anyway, and sure enough I took the job.

My first night here, I cried.

What evolution is this, I wondered, that I have meandered into this little niche of being, so far from where I imagined myself, while still just the same little girl as always? I mourned for the fact that I had nothing I loved enough to regret giving up.

But circumstances frequently appear dire at first glance. What I thought was a mistake turned out to be character-building. I was okay alone. I found out how to amuse myself. I played lots of one-player chess for a while. Eventually I started rowing and realized I had missed being fit. I started writing again (and here we are). I found friends at work, and then gave them up when I realized they were all idiots. I spent a lot of weekends not going into the city. I bought a car I can only drive here and now. I calmed down.

And really, I think I've turned out okay, so far. I still cry sometimes, because I still don't have the passion I think I should have, or because I'm afraid of a crazy lunatic climbing through my window, or because I don't know what to do next... but I don't regret moving here, and I'm excited to figure out what comes next and go do it.

So raise a glass to four years for me, and if you have any suggestions, I'd be more than willing to entertain 'em. Thanks!

Posted at 2:24 PM in category Old (this category is huge!)